Baby sitting the devil's child
by s.j. snodgrass
Summary: This shouldn't be to difficult. Arucard thought to himself, watching with pleasure the stress on his master's face. Babysit one little girl. How difficult could that be?
1. Chapter 1

So…another Hellsing fic…I am just so inspired lately. Lots I can write about, but so little time…Well, here it is. Hope it amuses you. More humor.

In the center of the Hellsing mansion, in a dark, lonely office, a tall blonde woman hung up the phone. For a long time after she glared at the phone, as if her icy stair could somehow undo the words said. Realizing that that was impossible, she closed her cold blue eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Arucard!"

"You called, Master?" The tall, dark haired vampire rose out of the office floor in a black shadow. At her desk, Integra was staring at him. Studying him, it seemed. Thoroughly looking him over. "Did you call me to inspect me?" Arucard asked, slightly unnerved by his master's sudden interest in him.

Integra sighed and got to her feet. Folding her arms across her chest, she said, "I have a mission for you, Arucard."

The vampire relaxed a bit. "A mission of what sort?" He still was cautious, as she was still staring at him in a strange manner. "Well…" She paused and furrowed her brow, thinking of the right words to say. Arucard knew that look all too well. She was about to say something she was _very_ unaccustomed to.

She cleared her throat, regaining her composure, but still looking a tad unsure. "As you know, I am a Round Table Knight." She began. Arucard nodded.

"And this honorable title often leaves me with certain…obligations."

"Go on."

"These are obligations that I can not refuse."

"Yes."

"But seeing as I am leaving today for the day on a very important meeting…"

"Continue, Master."

"With Walter being on vacation…"

"I do seem to recall that, yes."

"And Seras gone for the day on training you sent her to do…"

"I did send her."

"Of course Captain Bernadette and his mercenaries are still her, but I wouldn't trust him with this mission."

"This mission being…?"

With a sigh, Integra finished, "I need you to baby sit Sir Islands granddaughter." She said quickly. Arucard's trademark glasses fell to the floor, not being able to stay on his face after the drastic change his face took on. He stared at her with his head tilted slightly to the side. "Master, I don't believe I heard you correctly."

"You heard me correctly, Arucard. I need you to baby sit. Normally I would slit my wrists before trusting you with a Round Table Knight's granddaughter, but I'm out of options." She sank back into her chair, covering her face with a gloved hand. "Master, this isn't exactly what I would call a mission for someone like me…" He said, almost nervously. "You think I don't know this? It's as I said: you are my last resort. So please, Arucard, make this work." She looked him in the eyes, and he could practically see the word "Stressed" emblazoned on her forehead.

It amused him. This whole situation was amusing him. After all, at the price of watching one little girl, he got to see his master more strung out than Walter when he hid the tea kettle from the butler.

"As you command, Master. I'll do my best. You can trust that she will be just fine with me." He said, giving her a mock bow. She groaned and muttered something like, "What have I done?"

Outside, she heard the distinct sound of gravel crunching in the driveway. She started and got quickly to her feet. "Damn, They're early." She grumbled. She walked briskly to the door. "Arucard, that is the same car that is taking me to London today. In it is your charge for the day, so I suggest you come with me." She said angrily, tugging on her coat.

Arucard followed her downstairs to the front door, which Walter would already have had open were he there.

(Meanwhile, in Disney land, a certain butler wearing mouse ears could feel his "Butler senses" tingling.)

Integra opened it and was greeted by the stern face of a chauffer. "Sir Hellsing?" He asked. Integra nodded. The man bowed and gestured to an area around his knee. Looking down, Integra and Arucard laid eyes on a little girl, half hidden behind the elderly man's legs.

She had short, curly black hair, large green eyes, and an adorable over all appearance. The girl shifted her weight from one foot to the other, slightly rustling the fabric of her yellow and green sundress. In the sheer cuteness of it all, Integra almost felt the urge to squeeze her cheeks. Then she mentally slapped herself for ever feeling such a way.

"This is Lady Marie. I trust you have the arrangements for her stay in order?" The man said. "Yes. She is in more than capable hands." Integra assured. For a moment the man stared warily at Arucard, but made no attempt to comment.

After a brief moment of goodbyes, Introductions, and in one case, a threat, Arucard watched his master drive down the driveway and out of sight. Grinning to himself, he closed the front door and looked down at Marie. She was looking at him, too. But in a much different way than he expected.

"So you're my new Victim." She said sweetly.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

And it will. Just you wait. Poor, poor Arucard. Give me your feedback, and updates will go a lot faster. please


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two…Here we go.

"What did you just say?" Arucard asked, eyes widening slightly. "I said you're my new playmate." The small girl replied, a perfect smile on her little cherub face.

Arucard stared at her and shrugged off the idea of what he thought he'd heard. "So what are we going to do, Mr. Arucard?" She asked, tugging at his coat.

He hadn't thought of this. What did human girls her age like to do?

"What do you want to do?" He asked, trying not to look too menacing. "Umm…" She thought for a moment. I want to play dress up!" With strength he would never have imagined possible, she yanked off his coat, wrapped it around herself, and ran off.

"What the-?" Arucard stared after her, dumbstruck. "Give that back!" He shouted, regaining his thought processing skills and running after her.

Her shrieks of laughter echoed off the halls as Arucard chased her. _Goddammit!_ He thought. _Why the Hell did Integra have order me not to use my vampiric powers! Otherwise I would already have caught up with this little nose-picker! _

He stopped suddenly as he heard a gunshot. _Oh, shit!_

He raced toward the direction of the sound. He found himself at Integra's office, looking through a large whole in the door. He pushed the door open and saw Marie sitting on the floor, looking at the door with wide eyes. On the floor in front of her was Joshua, his Cassull, smoking steadily. "Did you fire that?" He asked, feeling his anger mounting.

"That was awesome!" She said, a large grin splitting her face. Any other time, he might have found this funny. Especially if Integra could see the damage. And mostly because it was something he was likely to do. But now, after this little troublemaker had already stolen his coat, he found absolutely no humor in it at all.

"No, it most definitely was not awesome!" He exclaimed. "You could have killed yourself, which in turn would have resulted in my death! That was completely irresponsible. Do you have any idea how powerful a weapon that is?" He ended his rant with a harsh glare. Thinking about it, this rant sounded oddly familiar. Except that **HE** was usually on the receiving end of it.

"I didn't know it would do that! My father doesn't carry around huge guns like that! I just wanted to see what it did." She said, folding her arms across her chest and glaring back at him. "W-what the hell-? That does not justify what you did!" He stammered, reaching down to pick up Joshua. "Well excuse me." She huffed.

"Wha- You little- Just give me back my coat!" Arucard ordered. "Nuh-uh!" She shook her head and continued to glare at him.

Arucard gritted his teeth.

"Give it back!"

"No!"

"NOW!"

"I don't WANNA!"

"THAT"S IT!" Arucard roared. "I didn't want to have to do this, but you give me no choice."

Marie screamed as the coat melted around her in dark, twisted shadows, forming back around Arucard. He straightened his collar and brushed his coat off. "Now." He said, focusing back on her. "You are going to listen to me from now on. Understood?"

In response, Marie burst into tears. "I'm so sorry!" She wailed. "I just wanted to play with you! You didn't want to play with me before, so I took you coat to get you to chase me! Then I found your gun, and thought you would stay with me if I shot it. Daddy never has time for me, so I was hoping you would. Please don't be mad at me, Mr. Arucard. I just wanna play with you. I don't care if you are a scary monster."

Arucard stared at her. _For the love of... _"It's alright." He sighed. "Just, don't do it again." He found himself suddenly drained of energy. "Thank you, Mr. Arucard." She wrapped her little arms around his leg and hugged him.

A few minutes later they were walking down the hall, Marie following him like a little puppy. "Now what is it you want to do? And it will not include anything destructive. Understand?" He asked, eyeing her dangerously. She nodded happily. "I'm hungry!" She said.

Arucard felt a sick twisting in his guts. "Food, right." He had no idea what to feed her. He hadn't had human food for a long time. And it had been even longer since he had given food to a kid her age. "You do have food here, right?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. He nodded and led her to the kitchen.

"What exactly would you like to eat?" He asked. "Sugar!" Was her immediate reply. "Sugar? Alright." Something in the back of his mind objected, but he pushed the thought away.

After digging around in the cupboards, he pulled out a bag of pure cane sugar. No sooner had he placed it in front of her, she was practically inside of it, flinging sugar everywhere. "Try to actually get it in your mouth." He said in a disgusted tone.

**30 minutes later**

Cautiously, Arucard peered out from behind his make-shift table barricade. He had never seen anything like what he had just witnessed . It was more frightening than any freak, ghoul, or vampire. He would even go as far as to say it was scarier than when Integra was deprived of cigars for a few days. In fact, he would rather have her here emptying a clip into his brain than come out from under that table.

A few minutes after she had devoured the 5 pound bag of sugar, Marie had sat staring at the ceiling for about twenty minutes. Then she started to shake. Slowly at first, then more violently, until it could have been mistaken for a seizure. What happened next was like a nuclear bomb. She had practically rocketed out of the chair and three feet into the air. Then she seemed to be propelled by an invisible force across the room, over the counters, and around his head, annihilating everything in her path. He was slowly realizing that that warning in his head could have been important.

Slowly he crept out from behind his hiding place. Looking around, he thought it better to go look for the girl than to dwell on the horrible mess she had created.

He left the kitchen and followed the trail of destruction. This trail led to no other place but the shooting range. From the shooting range screams and curses in French could be heard. Arucard ran to the range just in time to see Marie on Pip's head, hitting him with his braid and yelling, "Go, Horsy, Go!"

"Monsieur Arucard! Thank 'eaven! Get this petite terror off of my 'ead!" Pip shouted, waving his hands around in an attempt to get the girl off of him. Arucard held in the large laugh that threatened to burst open his gut. Marie yanked at his hair harder. "Bad Horsy! You're too slow!"

"Marie! Stop." Arucard commanded. "Whoa, Horsy." Marie tugged Pip's hair again, and he stop moving. "But Mr. Arucard, Mr. Bernadette and I were playing." She said sweetly. "Load a' bullocks!" Pip shouted. I was 'aving a little target practice, when this little rocket came flying through 'ere! Next thing I know, she's on my bloody 'ead!"

Arucard gave the girl a disapproving glance, and she slid off of the angry mercenary, using his braid as a climbing assistant.

He yelped in pain as she got off, and glared at her as she stood behind Arucard. "'Oo is she?" Pip asked. "She's one of the round table knights granddaughter. My master has instructed me to watch her for the day." Arucard sighed. Pip let out a laugh like no other. "You're baby sitting?" He said as he choked for air. "'Oo in their right mind would trust you with a child?"

His fists shaking in anger, he replied, "Is something wrong with that?" "N-no. Sorry." Pip apologized, wiping a tear from his eye as he sobered. "But um…why did you give her sugar?" "Because she wanted it." Arucard responded, finding no problem with the situation. "Come on! You don't give a kid sugar! They get wired." Pip explainded, gesturing to Marie, who was vibrating in place.

"I understand now. How do you make her stop, though?" Arucard asked desperately. Pip shook his head. "You can't just make them stop once they've consumed this much sugar. You've made 'er a 'uman motor. No, you just have to wait it out. Eventually they just-" Marie collapsed to the floor.

"-wind down."

Arucard carried Marie from the firing range and onto a couch in the sitting room. Then he collapsed from exhaustion on a nearby chair.

**Some Time Later**

Arucard's eyes opened and he attempted to stretch. Except his arms and legs were bound. "What the hell?" He mumbled, easily freeing himself. He looked over at the couch.

It was empty.

**To Be Continued…again…**

Second and most important chapter done. One more left. Tune in next time to find out Just where Marie has gone…and done.


	3. Chapter 3

WEEEEEEEE! The last chapter! Yes! Here we go. Hope you like it.

And like I said before, I'm now spelling Arucard as Alucard, since people keep complaining. Arrg. BILL COSBY DON"T KILL ME!(or sue me)

Alucard got up quickly and looked around the room. There was no sign of the little child. He looked under the cushions, behind the chair, everywhere he could think of. Then he heard the distinct sound of little feet coming from the kitchen.

He stormed down the hall in a mad fury. You could practically see the large, grey smoke trailing behind him. When he reached the kitchen, he nearly wrenched the door from its hinges as he pulled it open.

Sure enough, standing on the counter and reaching for the cookie jar, was Marie. She looked like a deer trapped in headlights under his furious gaze. "What are you doing!" He demanded.

She looked at him, then to the cookie jar, and back at him. "Um…I was getting a cookie for you, Mr. Alucard." She said sweetly, her eyes glittering with cuteness.

Anyone else might have had their anger subside immediately. But not Alucard. He had had enough. That tying him up thing was the last straw.

"Oh no, not this time." He stomped towards her and picked her up off of the counter, tucking her under one arm. She let out a blood-curdling scream as he carried her back into the living room. She was beating at him with her tiny fists and kicking him with her feet. She somehow found a way to latch her teeth over Alucard's arm. Instead of him letting her go, though, he said, "At least like that it keeps you quiet."

She immediately spit his arm out and started screaming again. "Jesus, shut up. I'm not taking you to church you little Damien." He growled.

When they reached the living room, he took the ropes she had tied him with and tied her to the couch, restraining her arms. To stop her screams, he put a gloved hand over her mouth. That worked for a second, but then she licked his hand, covering it with saliva.

He wrenched his hand away. "That is disgusting!" He looked down at her like she was some sort of amoeba. She stopped her screaming long enough to give him an evil grin.

Narrowing his eyes, Alucard put his hand over her mouth again, ignoring her licking. "Now, if you can stop screaming I'll take my hand away and we can have a normal conversation like human…er…intelligent beings." He offered. After thinking it over, Marie stopped her screams and nodded. Slowly Alucard removed his hand.

"Now, why did you tie me up? And don't give me any of those stupid excuses." He said. Marie sighed. "I tied you up to keep you off of my tale. So that I could do stuff, and you couldn't do anything about it." She explained.

Alucard blinked. "I knew your cuteness was a trick."

"Yeah, well, it works on everyone else. I can do whatever I want, give them a little smile, and Bam! I'm out of trouble. See?" She gave him one of her little grins as an example. "You see, when I have a babysitter, I rule them. I control what happens. Not them."

"You are evil." Alucard stated. Marie shrugged. "You're the only one who's been able to realize this." At that, Alucard let out a loud laugh. "That is excellent!" He chuckled.

Marie stared at him. "You mean you're not upset about it?" She asked. Alucard shook his head. "Upset? I think its brilliant!" He said.

"You're the evil one." Marie commented. Alucard flashed her one of his trademark grins in response.

"So…you're not going to tell anyone about this?" She pressed. "Why would I do that when I can cause so much more grief by keeping quiet?" He grinned. Marie met his gin with one of her own. "You're an okay babysitter." She told him. "Now how about untying me?"

**SOME TIME LATER…………**

Integra practically ran from the car once they pulled up to the driveway. She flung open the door of the mansion. "Alucard?" She called, going from room to room. "We're in here." She heard him call from the living room. She ran to him.

"Where's Marie? Is everything alright?" She asked nervously.

"Calm down Master. She's right here." Alucard replied from a couch by the television. Him and Marie were sitting side by side watching Bambi.

Integra nearly collapsed from relief. "Thank god. I couldn't stop worrying during the entire day. Marie, your chauffer is waiting for you in the car."

"Okay, Sir Integra." Marie got up and gave Alucard a hug. "Thank you for watching me, Mr. Alucard. I had a lot of fun." She said aloud. Then she added in a whisper, "Remember, don't tell anyone about this or I'll be right back here to punish you."

Alucard grinned and patted her back with one hand. "Maybe next time we can torment the Captain together." He murmered.

"Come on, Marie. I'll walk you to your car." Integra said, taking Marie by the hand. Before she left the room, though, she paused long enough to give Alucard an evil smile. With a slight chuckle, he returned it and waved as she left.

All done. I decided to end it with a compromise. Review if you can.


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